What Begins To Move Exactly?

Do you ever feel like you repeat the same dynamics, no matter how much you genuinely want things to change? Or no matter how much work you've actively put into making changes?

Well, there may be a legitimate reason that something different seems...just out of reach, or feels unattainable.  When you've been through some tough experiences in the past, your nervous system learns from those times.

A Learning Machine

Your nervous system is a LEARNING MACHINE,  because its job is to recognize when something dangerous is about to happen, and then take action to MINIMIZE IMPACT.

Therefore, it has to learn the anatomy of a dangerous or scary situation, and then recognize  when those elements are present, so that it can sound the alarm and take impact minimizing action.

This is an incredibly good and healthy thing!  We need our nervous systems to work in this way!

When Human Interactions Are Triggers

However, when tough experiences have been relational - when you have been harmed or hurt while interacting with other folks - it means that triggering elements are present when you're interacting with other folks.  

And let's be honest, there's almost nothing that we do as adult human beings in the modern world, that does not in some way involve interactions with other humans.  Even if we use self-checkout at the grocery store, we're still negotiating physical space and turn taking with other human beings waiting in the same line.  Or, to continue with this grocery store metaphor, even if you order groceries online for delivery, you're still relying on other folks to pick the right items for you, to deliver at a certain time, and to handle your food with care. 

There are relational elements to almost everything we do in the modern world. 

And those examples above didn't even mention the more significant experiences in romantic partnerships, friendships, relationships with your kids or parents, with your co-workers or your boss, or with your local or national government, and so on.

That means that your nervous system might be detecting elements of scary, tough, lonely, disappointing, abusive or humiliating experiences, in nearly any interaction that you have now. If it does, it sounds the alarm within your body so that you can take action to protect yourself.

And ultimately, this is GREAT!! Your nervous system is trying to prevent you from having those painful experiences.

The Stuckness (a.k.a. Non-Movement)

BUT! The downside is that the recognition, alarm and self-protective responses happen behind the scenes, so to speak.  They all unfold deep within your nervous system, and below your level of awareness. 

THIS is what creates the sense of stuckness that you feel in your life and in your relationships.

Because when your nervous system initiates automatic self-protective responses (fighting, fleeing, fawning, freezing and analyzing), those responses bring you to the same outcomes they always do.

It's like you get the same result, no matter what you try and consciously do to create something different.

Those self-protective responses are like brick walls, that are unscalable, indestructible, so tall and wide that they're never ending, and that appear suddenly in your path.

Again, I want to highlight that the fact that having self-protective responses is not actually the problem.  You actually DON'T want to change or prevent this natural process from happening!

What Begins To Move

The place to focus on, that thing that really creates the changes you want in your life, is identifying WHAT your nervous system recognizes as scary. That's the thing your nervous system is acting to protect you against.

The goal would not be to abolish fear completely. There are some things that are scary for certain, and it's important that those frightening triggers remain.  For example if a bus or car was barreling towards you as a pedestrian, you NEED to sense danger to be triggered to jump out of the way. 

But when something from the past keeps you from doing things that can allow you the sense of connection, love, self-worth and purpose that you crave, that you're trying so hard to get consistent access to, those are the triggers that can be unwound.

And when those are unwound, something that has felt so stuck for a long, long time, finally begins to move.

The process, outcome and experience are FINALLY different! 

The brick wall no longer appears out of nowhere, and gets in your way. You have movement!

Curious about the workings of your nervous system's self-protective process? You might be interested in reading about the problem and the solution to complex trauma responses.