The Safe Enough Podcast: Ep 18 - Learning Loving
And in fact, if you’ve experienced and learned lots of ingenuine love, or outright hurt in relationships that were supposed to be supporting you in developing into the best version of your incredible and unique self, it makes so much sense if learning loving is hard. It makes so much sense if it feels strange or foreign, or if there’s lots of fear and insecurity that come forth. It makes so much sense.
Welcome to the Safe Enough Podcast! This podcast is an exploration of what it means to feel safe enough in order to live the kind of life, or make the kind of changes that transform our lives, into those with all the love, connection, belonging and purpose that we seek and strive for. My name is MacPherson Worobec, founder of the It Begins To Move studio. I am a safety and self-worth recovery partner, and I’m so happy that you’re here.
This is the second of a series of 3 episodes that are being published in the month of February, which for much of the western world contains the holiday Valentine’s Day. As Valentine's Day is typically a celebration of love, I thought I’d make this month’s theme all about love. In the previous episode, I talked about bell hooks' definition of love not as a feeling, but as an action, and also the ingredients that she proposes make genuine loving action. And doing loving action, the actual practice of genuinely loving others, advocating for the loving action of others towards ourselves, and also the practice of loving actions we take with our own tender hearts, can take some unlearning of more traditional cultural ideas about what love is. It can take a kind of unlearning what is and is not acceptable, and also a concurrent learning of what love as a verb actually looks like. Learning what genuine love feels like to give to others, what genuine love feels like to receive from others, and also what it feels like to both give and receive genuine love from, and to, our own wonderful selves.
In her book all about love, bell hooks describes embracing a “love ethic.” Her earlier theoretical words often discuss the need for having a praxis, p-r-a-x-i-s, which is just a fancy academic word for both learning and practicing at the same time. Often folks will be really interested in a topic, read about it, listen to other folks talk about it, study it and try and understand it intellectually, without trying it, or doing it; without living it. Others might do the opposite. They just do the practices or copy the actions of others who do practices, without actually considering what they’re doing and why. Just doing without reflecting can leave you unsure how to adjust what you’re doing, across various circumstances and situations. Many thinkers, hooks included, and myself included too, believe that it's a combo of both reflecting and doing that generates real lasting, and deeply embedded learning and change.
For hooks, practicing love is no different. The “love ethic” is a kind of love praxis, that she says requires understanding why love as a verb is important, but also actually trying it out and seeing what happens. For example, receiving love from someone, and reflecting on how it feels.
So…perhaps as you reflect on love you’ve received from someone else, and you realize there’s lots of care, but trust is lacking in a relationship. Perhaps a good friend has brought you soup when you weren’t feeling well, but then you found out they told other folks a bunch of details about what you were sick with, and how sick you were, without your permission. You might really appreciate the care they took of you by bringing you food, but need them to hold your health in confidence, and allow you to determine how much and with whom you share info about yourself.
Or perhaps in a relationship you feel lots of respect, but responsibility is lacking. Your partner might constantly praise your sweet and giving heart, which could feel really great and affirming, but always be late paying shared bills.
Or perhaps in a relationship you feel there’s plenty of responsibility, but not enough respect. Perhaps you can always count on your friend to answer the phone when you call to talk, to give you a shoulder to cry on, to serve you some comforting warm tea, but tends to point out your flaws when what you really need is for someone to affirm your great qualities. You’re hard enough on your own self as it is. Additional voices dogging on you when you’re down is hurtful. But helping you see what you CAN do, what abilities and capacity you already have when you’re doubting yourself, perhaps that’s the ingredient of love you need more of. Embracing a “love ethic” means considering why love as a verb is important, and what it feels like when you receive genuine love, when you receive partially genuine love and when you receive no love at all, by reflecting on how it feels to receive.
And the same is true on the giving side. Perhaps you might reflect on your own actions towards others. The other day as I was reading all about love, I realized that though I know I love my spouse even when we’re having a conflict, that I tend to have a hard time saying that I do in those heated moments. I realized that expressing my love for him, in those moments of conflict, while I’m feeling angry or frustrated, is an act of love. For him, me saying “I love you, even though I’m angry with you right now” is an act of commitment, trust, care and responsibility. Because for him, in those moments of conflict, he experiences feelings of insecurity about our relationship, which is a completely reasonable and human thing to experience. So I realized that I could do a much better job caring for him and his tender heart, while we are fighting. Because I know that I’m not leaving, even though I’m mad. So if I said something assuring, it wouldn't be a performance, I would truly mean it. I can love him better, by actively assuring him.
Similarly, the other day he said, “you know, I need some more recognition of how I’m holding up more pandemic-based hygiene than I would otherwise, because I know that it’s important to you.” He affirmed that he wasn’t saying that he thought my requests for extra hand washing and disinfection of phones and such was NOT important or stupid or unnecessary. He wasn’t criticizing what made me feel safe. He was telling me how he needed to be loved better, by me. How he needed to be recognized. And this extra hand washing and disinfection stuff had been a sticking point for us, until he told me what he needed. Now I understand, and I am more than happy to actively offer him more recognition for doing what helps me feel safe, as someone with asthma, who is pretty afraid of severe respiratory infections.
Having an accurate definition of what love is, can help us love others better. It can help us be loved better by recognizing what we need and advocating for it, or even becoming clear about needing to leave relationships that are not willing to be fully genuinely loving. Having an accurate definition can help us love ourselves better, by making sure we receive what we need. Hooks says that good definitions help us have solid starting points for imagining and conceptualizing what something is, so that we know what to measure against, or what to reach for. She says “what we cannot imagine cannot come into being.”
So the first part of learning loving—love with an i-n-g on the end—love as a verb, is to know that it is NOT a mystery, that it is not a nebulous or abstract feeling, but that it is a set of concrete, discernible actions that together, create an embodied expression of genuine love, in real time. The second part of learning loving, hooks says, is cultivating awareness. As a critical theorist, there’s no surprise that she would define awareness as critically examining our own actions, and the actions of others, to see where we might do better. The intellectual in me loves that. And, the embodied self-worth recovery partner in me feels there might be a slightly different way to arrive at a similar place, while still maintaining a praxis p-r-a-x-i-s, the simultaneous combo of reflection and action, of thinking and doing.
Because of the inherent nature of gaslighting in hurtful or unloving relationships that try to come off as though they are in fact loving, it can be really hard to parse out the words and the behavior of others who are not being loving, in a logical and understandable way, without experiencing an automatic, self-protective response. And if you are able to parse out what stuff isn’t so loving in a relationship where there’s gaslighting and words of love but actions of hurt, sometimes it can be really challenging to hold steady to your needs while someone is insisting that they’re doing the loving things you know they aren’t. Or insisting that they’re not doing the hurtful things you know they are. In the next episode I talk a lot more about safety and love as a verb. But for now, my point is that words and concepts can be challenging or confusing to navigate when learning loving.
Instead, it might be more helpful to grow or discover a felt sense of love as a verb. The felt sense of giving and receiving care. The felt sense of giving and receiving trust. Of giving and receiving knowledge. Of giving and receiving responsibility. Of giving and receiving respect. Of giving and receiving affection, recognition, and open and honest communication. Giving and receiving all of the ingredients of genuine love.
Your body and your felt sense can be an incredibly reliable source of truth and understanding of loving action, that is, if your body is a safe place to connect with. And if connecting with the wisdom of your body is challenging, scary or overwhelming, then it might be most helpful to learn how to find a sense of safety within yourself, before you begin practicing the felt sense of giving and receiving love. And sometimes, receiving acts of full and genuine love from a trusted and regulated person, can be a critical part of discovering your felt sense of safety and a safe connection with the wisdom of your body in the first place. Connecting safely with your body, to discover the inner wisdom of your felt sense, so that it may guide you in an embodied way to KNOW what genuine love FEELS LIKE, is a tender and vulnerable process. It's okay to go slow, it’s okay to not have it happen immediately. And in fact, if you’ve experienced and learned lots of ingenuine love, or outright hurt in relationships that were supposed to be supporting you in developing into the best version of your incredible and unique self, it makes so much sense if learning loving is hard. It makes so much sense if it feels strange or foreign, or if there’s lots of fear and insecurity that come forth. It makes so much sense.
So, if love as a verb resonates with you, if it stirs something within you that feels aligned with this way of being and relating, you might experiment with what it feels like to reflect on all this. To get a felt sense of these ingredients, to put this into practice, and then to see what happens. And to do so gently, compassionately, and kindly. Perhaps even extending some genuine love towards yourself when you don’t get it just perfect, or when you slip into old habits, or have a misunderstanding. It IS possible to be responsible to yourself and to others, in a very caring, affectionate, committed and respectful way. Even to yourself and to others at the same time. But there needs to be enough of a felt sense of safety first, to grow your awareness in a present, gentle and regulated way. And that’s what I’ll talk about in the next episode. In the spirit of love, I wish you gentle, empowered, and nurturing giving and receiving of full and genuine love. I’ll see you in the next episode. Take care, kind soul.
