Episode 13: How To Grow Self-Worth
Welcome to the Safe Enough Podcast! This podcast is an exploration of what it means to feel safe enough in order to live the kind of life, or make the kind of changes that transform our lives, into those with all the love, connection, belonging and purpose that we seek and strive for. My name is MacPherson Worobec, founder of the It Begins To Move studio. I am a safety and self-worth recovery partner, and I’m so happy that you’re here.
This is the second of a 2 episode series on self-worth. In the previous episode, episode 12, I talked about what I think self-worth is, at its core. And if we don’t know what self-worth is, then it’s very difficult to talk about how to grow it, which is what this episode is all about.
So in the previous episode, I did a linguistic breakdown of the concept of self-worth and self-value. I talked about how self-worth is essentially the living embodiment of knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are just as valuable as every single other human being. Holding the line of that kind of value, with focused fortitude, and unwavering resistance to any information that may suggest the contrary. Brene Brown talks about whole-hearted living as feeling enough, feeling worthy of love and belonging. And for me, as someone who has healed from complex and relational trauma (or more accurately as someone who continues healing, or is constantly IN that process of integrating and transforming, because I’m not sure if the work is ever fully over), so as someone who is healING, I changed referring to myself as healed with an -ed on the end as though it was past tense, or already happened, to ending instead with the -ing suffix, into an action, something that is currently still happening. So as someone who is heal-ing from complex and relational trauma, cultivating courage, compassion and connection in order to grow a sense of whole-hearted worthiness - as Brene Brown says in her book The Gifts of Imperfection - it doesn’t quite cut it for me. This idea of “just go and cultivate” these qualities, or the “just do it” approach doesn’t cut it. Now that’s true for myself. AND, I’ve also seen that not quite cut it for other folks too. Friends, family members, colleagues and clients too. It’s like there’s a certain amount of courage, compassion and connection that’s needed first, in order to build more. And when that foundation isn’t quite there, or can’t be accessed even if it is there, it makes the work of growing worthiness feel...abstract, out of reach, confusing, overwhelming, or like feeling around in the dark, or throwing spaghetti at a wall. I find the idea that someone can cultivate courage, compassion and connection amazingly inspiring, but they can be difficult to operationalize, to really go about step by step, when you’re struggling. In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown talks about going to bed at night, and no matter how much did, or did not get done, saying to yourself, “You know what, I’ve done enough, and I am enough!” Again, this affirmation can be incredibly powerful, and I’m so glad that Brene Brown has made this practice, this simple practice, so mainstream for so many folks who experience it’s transformative nature. But! there are some folks for whom that doesn’t cut it. Saying to myself that I am enough has never done anything for me, when I didn’t really FEEL that I was enough deep down. Her book Braving The Wilderness, which I think is one of my favorite books of all time, talks a bit more about how tough, scary and lonely it is to do the work of change, self-development and transformation. But there’s this other part that I think is deeper and more foundational for folks who have experienced consistent or particularly intense abuse, neglect, invalidation, gaslighting, teasing, loneliness, pain, or have never had that sense of “I have unconditional value” taught to them in the first place. It’s often said to “just do it.” To be scared, but just do it anyway. Whatever the thing is, that's making you scared. To get out of your comfort zone; that the ACT of doing something is the way that you actually learn it. Brene Brown says that courage is learned, by couraging. For folks who have NEVER been taught that their life is just as valuable as every other human life, or who have ACTIVELY been taught that their needs are less important than someone else’s, or who have had experiences or relationships that leave them doubting their worth and value, “just doing an action that affirms self-value” is an enormous challenge. Perhaps impossible. In my older episode, episode 6 “Why You Can’t Just Let It Go” I talk about why you can’t just will yourself, in more detail. So Brene Brown says that courage is learned by courag-ing. By courage...ing. She uses that current action suffix ING, like I used earlier this episode when I described myself as someone who’s healING. Like I’ve done a ton of healing work and made a remarkable amount of change and progress that I’m really proud of. After all that work, I can experience happiness and ease, I do know my value and have a sense of self-worth, and I have really great relationships - a significantly smaller amount than I did before - but a large handful of REALLY really great relationships, and I feel incredibly inspired and satisfied, by the work I do every day supporting others in this process of change. All those are true, but I’m still healING, I’m still in that process which is constantly occurring. I’m still doing the actions, the process, of healing. It hasn’t stopped or ended even though I’m in a place that seems like a totally different universe, from where I began. But there was something that needed to happen first, that allowed me to take healing oriented actions, that have actually sustained, built upon themselves, and brought great change….Brene Brown says that courage is learned by couragING, by doing it, by actively and intentionally DOING courageous actions. Yes, as I said in my previous episode What Is Self-Worth, I agree with Brene Brown. AND!...here’s why that’s a near impossible thing to do, for some folks who have a lower sense of self-worth. Learning anything at all, whether it’s learning how to read, ride a bike, how to code a computer application, how to navigate boundaries within relationships, how to drive a car, how to drive a manual transmission car in a country that drives cars on the opposite side of the road than you’re used to - which I have done, and not very well the first few times - whether its learning how to paint a picture, start a business, meditate, perform surgery, change a baby’s diaper, how to find your courage or know and feel your inherent and equal human value, all learning involves doing something differently than you have been doing it, or acquiring skills that you didn’t have before that allow you to be able to do something in a new way. Either way, it’s a process of change. Changing your skill set by adding to it, so that you have abilities and capacities that you didn’t have before. So that you have the choice of doing something new, or in a different way. And to learn something new, requires your brain to be able to have a certain level of awareness of what you’re learning. That’s a critical part of the learning process that allows things to stick, and have a new thing actually be implemented over time. The part of your brain that manages awareness, the part where complex information processing happens, needs to be active and engaged while learning, for the process of transformation to occur. BUT, fear and being unsafe shuts that part of your brain off. It’s automatic, and it’s how your nervous system is designed. So if you’re feeling fearful or unsafe, any effort to learn a new way of doing something and create change is unlikely to be successful. Or successful over time. To put this another way, feeling safe is the absolute first and necessary step to growing, discovering or recovering self-worth and self-value. Because feeling unsure about whether your needs or your experience is important and valid, unsure whether you’ll experience pain for feeling the way that you do, or whether taking certain actions are going to bring pain or discomfort, these are ultimately feelings of fear. And if this is where you’re starting from, then any healing effort you make, may shut off the part of your brain that is the critical element for true unwinding of the traumatic response process; the part of your brain that is the special sauce in the process of learning a new and fresh way that brings the wonderful experience of transformation that you are absolutely deserving of! So, for anyone who doubts that their needs are important, or who doesn’t have a strong and unwavering sense that they are valuable - valuable enough to be listened to, to be paid attention to, to be protected, to be respected, to be included, to be cared for, to be considered - the path to change is NOT by just acting differently. The answer is not to just speak up for yourself when you’re being berated! To just learn courage by couraging. Ultimately, doing the actions WILL be a part of the picture. Eventually. But taking any action may not be possible, when you’re really feeling those emotions. Action may not be possible. Your nervous system may automatically, just not allow it. And for a very good reason. I’ve talked about why this is in previous episodes. And if your nervous system DOES allow action while you’re feeling these tough and fearful feelings, there’s a good chance the actions that you take may not have a lasting impact. Because feeling afraid or unsafe, unworthy or not valuable, disconnected and overwhelmed turn off the very part of your brain that’s needed to make REAL change. Real change. Deep change. Lasting change. Change in things that have been affecting you, that you’ve been struggling with, for so long. If that’s the kind of change that you’re seeking, all parts of your brain must be engaged, involved and participating. That means that your nervous system MUST feel safe enough to allow all those parts to stay in the game and be present while you are learning what it really FEELS like to be just as valuable as every other human being. Once you have an integrated, embodied, unshakable sense of this kind of innate, and I mean born-with kind of unconditional value, THEN you can practice living from this place. THEN you can practice holding the line of this kind of irrefutable truth, this principle of nature. So how do you do this? How do you get this sense of integrated, embodied, unshakable worth and equal value? Well, you have to feel SAFE ENOUGH for your body and mind to interact in a way that allows you to learn this sense of value. SAFE ENOUGH to interact with the wisdom of your body, SAFE ENOUGH to allow your brain to stay involved and notice what comes forth during the process of learning. You have to feel SAFE ENOUGH during those processes that can feel vulnerable and shaky. You have to feel SAFE ENOUGH to courage, to do couragING. And I would say that this is the big important step that’s needed before being able to start taking actions; before you can take those really great, powerful and helpful actions of cultivating courage, compassion and connection. And that’s cultivating a felt sense of SAFE ENOUGH. Modern neuroscience and the Polyvagal Theory demonstrates that feeling safe enough, is actually a nervous system based, and therefore a body-based experience. Feeling safe enough, is an experience that implies what you need from your environment, in order to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and try new things. Not every relationship, not every environment, not every circumstance will allow you to feel safe enough to discover, recover and grow your unshakable, unwavering, irrefutable value and worth, even if your environment tries to TELL YOU that it is safe enough. Cultivating this felt sense of safe enough, involves learning to connect with your body, in a safe enough, gentle enough and regulated enough way so that you can carry that felt sense of safety INTO the vulnerable process of learning something new in a way that is actually effective, and continues over time. The next short series of episodes will talk about different ways to gently connect with your body, so that you can cultivate an embodied sense of safety, as the foundation for cultivating that deep down knowing that you are so, so valuable as a human on this earth. So don’t forget to subscribe, so that you know exactly when those episodes are available. If there’s something about the self-worth recovery journey that resonates with you, you might want to register for the very special upcoming event Experiencing My Self Worth. It’s a free and live event that’s happening soon. If you’d like to register, you can do so on my website itbeginstomove.com. That’s all lower case and the word to, t-o, not the number 2. Itbeginstomove.com, to register. I really hope to see you there! And if you find this podcast helpful, please rate it on your listening platform to increase the chance that others can find it too. If there’s any question or topic you’d like to hear me address, leave it in a comment! Take care, kind soul!
