The Safe Enough Podcast Episode 11: It’s all about you!
Welcome to the Safe Enough Podcast! This podcast is an exploration of what it means to feel safe enough in order to live the kind of life, or make the kind of changes that transform our lives, into those with all the love, connection, belonging and purpose that we seek and strive for. My name is MacPherson Worobec, founder of the It Begins To Move studio. I am a safety and self-worth recovery partner, and I’m so happy that you’re here.
This is the last of 4 episodes on the basics of feeling safe enough to heal and make changes towards a life that is full of love, connection, belonging and purpose. In episode 8 I defined safety, in episode 9 I talked about why I think it’s time to go beyond trauma-informed approaches, in episode 10 I talked about how to make real, lasting change in a way that is effective and also gentle, and in this episode I’ll talk about what’s at the heart of safety when using a nervous system informed approach. It really is, all about you! And in the best possible way!
French philosopher Maurice Merleau-Ponty famously said, “We know not through our intellect but through our experience.” And this ties right in with the polyvagal theory and a nervous system informed approach, because it’s your experience of a situation, an environment, an interaction or even a memory, that determines whether your nervous system does or does not feel safe in a given moment. And whether your nervous system feels safe or not, has a direct impact on what you feel, and what you do, as you experience what’s happening. And as I said in the last episode, episode 10 “all for naught,” your nervous system MUST feel safe, in order to make deep and lasting healthy and positive changes - if that’s what you’re after. But the most important point I’d like to make is that what feels safe to YOU is dependent upon YOUR experience of safety. No one else’s. And this may sound so basic. Obvious, even. However, I think that it’s really easy to forget how much we allow other folks’ ideas about what safety is or the way it should be, to influence the way we allow ourselves to feel. As though situational safety is objective and universal. It isn’t. It is subjective and individual. It can ONLY be defined by each person, for themselves. Have you ever felt uneasy about going somewhere, or being around certain people, or doing something, only to have someone else say something like, “it’s safe, you’re fine.” or how about “relax, there’s nothing to be scared about.” As though their definition of safety should apply to you, or worse, that their definition of safety is universal, and should apply to everyone. As Merleau-Ponty says, we know through our experience. And Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory is so brilliant, because it highlights the neurobiological backup of this kind of statement, that safety is subjective, and defined by you and your own individual experience. Because physiology doesn’t lie. Your body doesn’t lie. Your body can’t pretend to feel safe when it doesn’t. And thank goodness! That means that you have a dependable tool with you at all times, that can guide towards what’s life giving and fulfilling. Now, let me qualify that statement by saying that if you’ve experienced some pretty tough traumatic events in the past, and they haven’t yet been unwound or unwound fully in the presence of a trustworthy, resonant connection, your body may not feel like a safe place to be, or to rely on. That’s ok. It’s a stinky experience, but it’s a completely understandable result of some very tough things you've been through. Over time, and with the right kind of validating, empathic and friendly connection, your body can become a really safe and comforting place for you to reside, and an unconditional source of wisdom and strength. Bit by bit, slowly it can become that. And if you don’t feel like you’re there, I hope you keep looking for the right kind of folks that are totally ready and able to help you through that process. Those folks are out there. I promise. You’re not failing if you haven’t found them yet, just keep looking for them. Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown says that “In order to empathize with someone’s experience you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be.” And I think this highlights the point I was just making. There are folks out there who have the self-regulation, emotional capacity and maturity to be able to honor YOUR experience of safety, or what you need to feel safe, according to you and only you. Especially if they disagree with you. Because true empathy acknowledges that different folks have different experiences. That experiences are subjective, unique to the folks who have them, as Merleau-Ponty says. Like I said in episode 8 “what is safety,” I heard Stephen Porges once say during a conference keynote presentation, “the mistake we make is to think we're like everyone else. There's great variability.” There’s GREAT variability. And therefore, I hope that all this affirms your right to define safety in your own terms, in accordance with your unique nervous system and what it needs. The next time someone says something invalidating to you when you’re feeling scared like, “there’s nothing to be afraid of,” you can say something like, “actually, something here feels scary for me. I hope that you’ll be able to support me, or at least give me room to feel my feelings.” Because your safety is so, so important. Healing can’t happen without it. This foundational part of feeling safe enough to try something new and create change, it really is all about you. Well this concludes the series of 4 episodes on the basics of feeling safe enough to heal and make changes towards a life that is full of love, connection, belonging and purpose. If you find this interesting, please leave a review and subscribe so that you know exactly when the episode drops. And if there are any topics that you’d like me to cover, please make those suggestions in the review or comments section! Also, feel free to check out current and future offerings at my website itbeginstomove.com. This is MacPherson with the Safe Enough Podcast and It Begins To Move studio. I’m so glad that we’re here together. I’ll see you in the next episode and take care, kind soul.
