The Safe Enough Podcast Episode 10: All for naught
Welcome to the Safe Enough Podcast! This podcast is an exploration of what it means to feel safe enough in order to live the kind of life, or make the kind of changes that transform our lives, into those with all the love, connection, belonging and purpose that we seek and strive for. My name is MacPherson Worobec, founder of the It Begins To Move studio. I am a safety and self-worth recovery partner, and I’m so happy that you’re here.Â
This is the third of 4 episodes on the basics of feeling safe enough to heal and make changes towards a life that is full of love, connection, belonging and purpose. In the first episode I defined safety, in the previous episode I talked about why I think it’s time to go beyond trauma-informed approaches, and in this episode I’ll talk all about how to make real, lasting change in a way that is the most effective and also happens to be gentle.Â
So the process of healing, of discovering or re-discovering your self-worth, is ultimately a process about change. Struggling with self-esteem and self-worth, anxiety and depression, achievement, life balance and purpose, and often having relationship conflicts or interpersonal conflicts with other humans, are often indicators of automatic self-protective responses. As I talked about in the previous episodes, episode 8 “What is safety” and episode 9 “Beyond Trauma Informed,” automatic self-protective responses come about for very good reasons, and they themselves are not actually the problem. In fact, every single automatic self-protective response IS a solution, to a problem from the past. And it’s important to treat them as such, instead of reprimanding yourself for “doing it again.” Have you ever said to yourself, “There I go, doing that thing again. Gosh, what is WRONG with me? Why can’t I just stop doing that?” Even anxiety and depression, even becoming angry at a partner, these are not problems, they are signposts. They are pointers, and they point to something that needs attention, that hasn’t been getting it. Or hasn’t been getting enough attention, or hasn’t been getting the right kind of attention. Well, here’s the thing. Â
It’s the fact that these kinds of responses are automatic that makes them so hard to change, and that’s the part that makes it FEEL like change is illusive, like maybe change CAN’T happen. And it most certainly CAN. You CAN feel at ease, secure, happy, content, connected to others, to yourself and to the world. But you have to understand how that automatic response happens, in order to work WITH it to create real change. Change that lasts. Change that allows you to create the life you want, and that ensures it stays that way and isn’t just a fleeting reprieve. So as I said in the previous episode, episode 9 “beyond trauma informed” being trauma informed is the place to start. Trauma-informed means that you fully understand that the way someone behaves and feels now, is not based on an inherent personality flaw, but is a result of something truly tough that happened in the past. And I also said in the last episode, even if someone’s behavior and feelings now in the present time ARE the direct result of “abnormal” brain structures and nervous system processes, neuroscience has proved that going through tough experiences WITHOUT THE PROPER SUPPORT, without the proper support, actually changes the brain and nervous system. So, as an example, someone may have crippling fear and anxiety due to an overactive amygdala and an underactive medial prefrontal cortex. And that might be factually true in the here and now. However, that person’s amygdala may have grown abnormally large and therefore created a habitualized downregulation of their medial prefrontal cortex BECAUSE OF, or as a result of, prolonged neglect or overt abuse and the experience of unrelenting terror, during early childhood when that person’s brain was first forming. Understanding how those parts of someone’s history, their physiology AND their behavior fit together, is representative of a trauma-informed approach. It’s massively important, because it takes blame and shame off of a person who struggles with automatic trauma responses, and helps point change efforts in the right direction. Change CAN happen, but it has to happen at the level of the brain and nervous system. And the brain is actually a part of the nervous system. If change doesn’t happen at this level, it is fleeting at best. At best. Like a bandaid for a deep cut that keeps bleeding.Â
Healing, discovering or re-discovering self-worth is ultimately a process of changing automatic self-protective responses that occur at the level of your nervous system. Changing automatic, adaptive, brilliant self-protective coping strategies requires an understanding of, not just how to establish, but how to maintain a felt sense of safety AND an authentic and legitimate connection, during a process that will inherently resist change when done without skill. A nervous system informed approach understands that when your body is responding in a self-protective way, that means it feels unsafe. Why else would you need to protect yourself? But here’s the thing, where a trauma-informed approach may understand that you carry fear, for example, because of scary things that happened in the past, a nervous system informed approach understands all the different ways fear might look (especially when it looks like laziness, forgetfulness, combativeness, avoidance, loneliness and intellectualization, just to name a few), a nervous system informed approach never forces you to act against your self-protection. So for example, a true nervous system informed approach would never force you to push past your laziness, because laziness is recognized as a manifestation of self-protection. And a nervous system informed approach always focuses on the central question: what do you need to feel safe? Because when it’s activated, all your complex reasoning and problem solving skills are shut off, and you need these parts to be active in order to try something different and create change. But you can’t access those parts of your brain and nervous system when you’re feeling activated and unsafe, when you’re protecting yourself. So the idea of pushing past laziness as a means to create long lasting change, is like this futile, counterproductive, misdirected waste of effort from a nervous system informed approach. Because if laziness is a manifestation of self-protection, you know that someone is feeling unsafe when they’re being “lazy.” It’s not a lack of commitment to themselves and their goal. It’s a manifestation of fear. And change cannot happen when fear is present. There’s a MUCH, much better way to deal with fear, rather than to push past it, ignore it, or do it’s opposite. Real change, long lasting, deep change cannot happen when fear is present. Because your nervous system will block the process while it's too busy protecting itself. It’s a complex process, but this is the gist of it. And therefore any progress that you may see or feel while you’re in a state of fear, is ultimately temporary. If you see any at all. So to return to the questions that I asked you earlier in this episode, do you ever find yourself asking yourself, “why am I doing this thing AGAIN? What is WRONG with me? Why can’t I STOP doing this?” Well, it’s highly likely that there’s an element of unsafety at the heart of what seems to not change, no matter how hard you try. Now, the presence of fear in the face of change is nothing new. BUT, so, so many change oriented approaches - psychotherapy, life coaching, even yoga and acupuncture (those are my realms of expertise) - are based on changing your mindset to push past fear in one way or another. And that, my friends, as we are coming to learn more and more about the brain and nervous system physiology from neuroscience and advances in imaging, it just doesn’t work. It doesn’t work in the long term. Pushing past fear actually activates those self-protective responses even MORE. And if you do see any progress in the face of fear, it's likely that they’re temporary or surface level, while the deep down levels are battening down the hatches even tighter. Creating change is allowing those hatch bolts to loosen, on their own terms. To feel safe enough for the bolts to loosen themselves - so to speak - so that the hatches open of their own accord. When the hatches have opened freely, they can remain open, over time. AND, this process is much, much gentler than a push/pull fight of fear versus progress. From a nervous system informed perspective, a push/pull fight with fear is a lose/lose game anyway. So why waste your time with something that’s harsh, ineffective, and can make things worse? Again, there’s a much better way to heal, to find your self-worth, and to have that life that’s full of ease, happiness, love, connection and fulfilling purpose. This is exactly what the Polyvagal Theory is all about. And the next episode will be all about what’s at the heart of safety in a nervous system informed approach. If you find this interesting, please leave a review and subscribe so that you know exactly when the episode drops. And if there are any topics that you’d like me to cover, please make those suggestions in the review or comments section! Also, feel free to check out current and future offerings at my website itbeginstomove.com. This is MacPherson with the Safe Enough Podcast and It Begins To Move studio. I’m so glad that we’re here together. I’ll see you in the next episode and take care, kind soul.
