The Felt Sense Podcast
Episode 7: How Do You Make Relationships Fulfilling?
In the previous episode in this series on the felt sense while relating, I talked about why you can’t force yourself to have close and trusting relationships. In this final episode in the series, I’ll talk about how to have fulfilling relationships, because that’s really what we all crave. Stay tuned!
Here at It Begins To Move, I use body-based, nervous system informed approaches to healing and finding the actions, needs and decisions that are right for you. I have searched high and low for tools and philosophies that are gentle, respectful, truly client-centered, but also very, very effective. Two of the tools that I’ve found are called The Felt Sense and Somatics. The person who brought forth The Felt Sense is Gene Gendlin, who was a philosopher and then a psychotherapist researcher at The University of Chicago. And the person who brought forth a specific kind of Somatic movement called Hanna Somatics, is named Thomas Hanna, he named the approach after himself, Hanna Somatics. Thomas Hanna was also a philosopher and then a movement theorist. The exact descriptions of these two approaches are for a different time, but here in this discussion, I’d like to offer that Thomas Hanna and Gene Gendlin both say that our bodies and experiences are affected by the environment that our bodies are in. It can sound pretty obvious when said like that, but let’s break this down a bit more and talk about the nuanced implication of this concept in relational interactions. Attachment theorists, anti-oppression justice workers, and eastern wisdom traditions have been saying this for years, but Polyvagal theory and modern neuroscience have recently proved it. You are affected by your environment. Or, more specifically, your nervous system is affected by your environment. So, if you’re in an unfriendly environment where someone you are interacting with is expressing cues of disconnection, non-resonance, invalidation, discompassion, or overt violence, of course your nervous system will respond with activation and protective behaviors. Of course. One of the titles of Thomas Hanna’s books is “Bodies in Revolt,” which I think is an INCREDIBLE commentary on the consequences of living in the modern world. In Bodies In Revolt, Hanna’s core premise is that your body will revolt against an environment that is frightening, unfair, oppressive, harmful, hurtful or overly stressful. It will revolt by protecting itself with muscular armor. Modern neuroscience takes this wise-and ahead of its time-premise, and takes it a step further. Not only does your body become muscularly tight when you’re in an environment that feels frightening or threatening, but nearly ALL your body systems respond to that stressful threat. Your endocrine system, your immune system, your digestive and reproductive systems and so on. And the polyvagal theory says that your “happiness and connection systems” are also involved in the response to a harsh, frightening and stressful environment. They shut down, eclipsed by other protective brain and body functions. You’re not to blame if your nervous system is responding with activation and self protection. Your nervous system does this automatically if it feels unsafe. Therefore, if you’re responding in an activated way, you know for sure that there’s something in your environment that truly and legitimately feels unsafe. It’s very common to say that when you’re activated, you’ve mis-perceived a threat in your environment. And, I’d like to take a moment to comment on the use of the term “misperception of threat.” It’s commonly said that someone who has a trauma response, or a nervous system activation to something in a safe environment - an environment where there is no threat, wherein someone else isn’t doing something with the intention of hurting or threatening someone else - is mis-perceiving threat. It’s said that someone with trauma mis-perceives a threatening environment, when there isn’t any ACTUAL threat present. Or that their nervous system is mis-perceiving a threatening stimulus, because what their nervous system is ACTUALLY responding to is something from an experience that happened in the past, and that whatever that threatening thing is, isn’t actually really present in the current moment or situation. That’s a misnomer. That is an incorrect, and frankly invalidating, way to refer to a trauma response! A trauma response or a nervous system activation can only occur if a triggering stimulus IS PRESENT. You don’t THINK you see a pig in your living room when one isn’t actually there. That would be a hallucination. Someone who becomes triggered by something, is triggered because the trigger IS THERE. It’s right there in your current environment. It may MEAN something in the current situation that’s different than what it meant at a time in the past wherein something very challenging or frightening happened, but it’s there. If someone you are interacting with in the here and now uses a tone of voice, or a facial expression, or a particular phrasing that reminds you of a time in the past where that same tone of voice, facial expression or phrasing was also used AND when you were hurt or harmed, then you’re not mis-perceiving anything when your nervous system becomes activated, or you become nervous, hypervigilant, scared or self-protective. You are seeing the pig in the room. It’s not a mis-perception. You might be anticipating that it means or signifies something harmful or hurtful, when in the current situation it doesn’t mean those scary things. But that’s a question of meaning and context, of attribution, not of perception. And your nervous system is in the business of perception - noticing when certain stimuli are present and then sounding the alarm. And if something harmful or hurtful happened to you in the past, then it’s completely understandable to respond by anticipating harm, if the situation has similar elements. Completely understandable. It doesn’t mean that you’re broken, stupid, oversensitive, or can’t handle yourself. It doesn’t mean that you’re mis-perceiving anything, or that your nervous system is busted. It means that you’re a reasonable human being who’s bracing themselves to reduce impact. That’s very human, AND it’s actually natural and healthy. It’s very smart. The polyvagal theory says that it’s healthy for your nervous system to automatically protect itself, if it doesn’t feel safe.
So here’s the question. The million dollar question is: what is the solution? What is the way to get the things that come from safe connections, namely: connection, validation, compassion...the INTIMACY that you’re seeking, that we’re all seeking, in all relationships? Even business partnerships where there’s connection, validation and compassion, are a zillion times easier, more pleasant AND more productive than business environments that are harsh and toxic. And of course our personal and romantic relationships are most fulfilling, joyous and healthy, when there’s connection, validation, compassion and intimacy. And I don’t mean sexual intimacy. I’m talking about the kind of resonance that Dan Siegel talks about. That kind of “feeling felt.” A friendly, empathic resonance, where you can really be seen and understood, AND where you can really see and understand another person. It’s a safety that is so secure, that it allows a willingness to be changed by another person, to come forth. A kind of giving and receiving of love. Well, polyvagal theory, modern neuroscience and somatics theories tell us that you have to feel safe in order to feel open and able to both give and receive. And in my last episode I talked about how you can’t fake it or force yourself to feel safe, you really have to FEEL it. That sense of safety which underlies intimacy must be embodied. There’s no way around that. Gene Gendlin even says that our relationships are environments themselves. So it’s not just that we need to feel physically safe in the space we’re in, we have to feel relationally safe. We have to feel that we can trust the other person with the expressions of ourselves. Vulnerability creates the deep, meaningful and safe connection we want, but we HAVE to feel safe enough, to feel that in the first place. That’s what makes fulfilling relationships, this sense of embodied safety. And if you’re interested in learning more, I’m offering a free workshop about this problem of how to find connection, validation and compassion while relating to other folks. About the felt sense and relating. The link is located in the show notes, and I hope that you’ll join! The next series in the felt sense podcast will be around self worth and needs. If there are additional topics you’d like to hear me break down, please let me know in the reviews on your favorite podcast channel. This is MacPherson on the Felt Sense Podcast, take care kind soul.