The Felt Sense Podcast
Episode 6: Why You Can’t “Just Let It Go”
In the first episode of this series on the felt sense during relating, I talked about what’s possible when relating feels safe, and why relating can feel so dangerous. And in this episode I’ll talk about why it can seem like common methods for connecting just aren’t working.
Relationships can be wonderful, safe, supportive and fun sources of love and great companionship. And they can also be really tough. Tough can refer to a regular and expected level of difficulty that’s inherent in any and every relationship - because all relationships, by definition, require negotiation between two sets of needs and preferences - and tough can also refer to the struggle of having connections with other humans be sources of pain and activation. Most folks prefer to reduce the inherent struggle present when two humans interact with each other in meaningful ways over time, but some folks who’ve had historically tough relationships really need to heal those past hurts before relationships can actually become safe and supportive sources of love and great companionship. There’s lots of ways purported to help heal from past relational hurts. One really common philosophy about healing, is that happiness is a choice. Folks who subscribe to this philosophy may tell you to “choose happiness and connection” and “just let go and put yourself out there.” To “just do it!” and “Get out of your own way!” And while this sentiment ultimately is true, I’d like to specify that it has to BECOME true for folks who have had unbearably tough experiences in important relationships in the past. Folks who are triggered by, and within, the context of personal interactions and relationships with other people - especially more intimate and meaningful ones like friendships, romantic partnerships, family relationships, or any relationship that carries more significance than one, say, with your next door neighbor, or with your kid’s friend’s parent that you see once a week at drop off - folks who are triggered by meaningful connections, have, by definition, nervous systems that are very, very vigilant during experiences of relating. Very vigilant and often activated during times of vulnerability... Now, Brene Brown so beautifully says in every single piece of groundbreaking work that she’s put out, that vulnerability is the foundation FOR the connection that we all seek. Well, shit! This is a double bind for people who want to have safe connections, but feel triggered by the act that creates them! If you’ve experienced complex trauma or very tough past relationships that had neglect, abuse, cruel or mean people, invalidation, denial of your needs or anything like that, it’s actually your NERVOUS SYSTEM that’s getting right in between you and the connection you’re simultaneously trying hard to make, because your nervous system is working overtime to keep you safe. And your nervous system’s self-protective response is AUTOMATIC. Meaning, you can’t help it. It has learned that relationships are not safe places, or not safe places ALL OF THE TIME. And how could it ever know when a relationship is about to turn sour, so perhaps reasonably and logically, it’s just best to avoid them all. Or perhaps it's best to test them all. Or perhaps it’s best to just be prepared for the worst, whenever that other shoe will inevitably drop. YOU are not holding yourself back from deep connections. YOU are not WILLFULLY sabotaging yourself. I want to point out, that if you find yourself struggling in relationships, struggling to trust another person, struggling to feel relaxed and at ease, struggling to offer the benefit of the doubt, struggling to communicate your needs, struggling to set boundaries, struggling to feel safe, there’s NOTHING to feel shameful or guilty about. Your nervous system is just doing it’s job! FORCING yourself to be vulnerable, because you think that you’re stubbornly and actively CHOOSING to be self-protective, could be considered a kind of spiritual bypassing. Or you could end up re-traumatizing yourself, or kicking the healing can even farther down the road. These are the OPPOSITE of what you’re looking for. Faking it until you make it, and acting “as if'' you didn’t have any unprocessed harmful hurts from past relationships, can actually make your automatic nervous system self-protective responses worse, or drive them even deeper, just making them harder to unwind in the future. It doesn’t feel good to struggle in relationships, or never quite have the connections you desire, but treating yourself like you are purposely sabotaging your connections, actually puts the focus in the wrong place. It leads to so much guilt and shame, which can then result in feeling more isolated and less worthy of belonging. Forcing yourself to “just choose trust,” to blindly “let go of the hurt and worry” that other folks may claim you’re “actively choosing to carry forward,” and expecting yourself to miraculously be healed and whole DOESN’T WORK, if you have unwound self-protective responses at play. There’s a better way. A gentler and more effective way to get those connections that you deeply, deeply want, and that you absolutely can have. Every single human on the face of the earth is worthy of true love and belonging. Every human. Including you. If you’ve had complex, relational or developmental trauma, or a really tough childhood, or you come from a dysfunctional family, or have been in an abusive relationship, connections with other humans are understandably challenging, because they’re triggering and they feel unsafe. In the next episode, episode 7, I’ll talk about what you need to do to get those safe connections without denying or side-stepping the actual biological processes that keep you out of the connections you crave. I hope to see you in there. This is MacPherson on the Felt Sense Podcast, take care kind soul.
