The Felt Sense Podcast
Ep 1: Friendly Regard
Hey there! I’m so looking forward to talking with you about friendliness this month! Because friendliness is really at the heart of healing, feeling calm and regulated. It’s actually at the heart of feeling safe. And I’m not saying that friendliness underlies safety. Not at all. Feeling safe is the foundation for any wonderful connection, and also the foundation for any healing or change creation. HOWEVER, friendliness is a critical, inherent part of the PROCESS of finding safety, and a safe embodied experience. Safety is like the vehicle, its like the car that you need to take you from point A to point B, but friendliness is like the car’s engine. The car can’t run without the engine, but an engine by itself doesn’t do you any good either. Both are needed, and both work together. Safety is the whole shabang, its the whole car, and friendliness is like the car engine that allows the car to get you to where you’re going. The car carries everything, and the engine makes it go. So friendliness is really important. Really important. As a person with a background in language and linguistics, I love beginning with definitions of words. I find it so helpful to start at the ground level and then build up from there. So to me, definitions and roots of words are the foundation upon which the discussion can build. According to etymologyonline.com, a friend is defined as, “a person who is attached to another by feelings of personal regard and preference.” Now I think that regard is a really interesting word here, because it has its roots in the meaning, “to take notice of.” So a friend is someone who notices you. What does that mean exactly? What are they noticing? Well, perhaps they’re noticing YOU. Have you ever had the experience of another person taking a genuine interest in learning what your needs and preferences are, what your likes and dislikes are, and specifically for the purpose of taking all those things into account when making future decisions? Like if someone really took the time to listen as you mentioned what kind of food you liked, and then cooked you that food when they had you over for dinner? Without you having to retell them? That’s someone who cares about noticing you, and learning about you so that they can take YOU into account in the future. That’s a true friend. They’re curious and committed to noticing and learning about you. Perhaps even checking with you to make sure. They might say, “hey I recall you said that you really enjoyed tulips. Did I get that right? Because I just saw that there’s a spring tulip show at the local botanical garden, and it made me think of you. Want to go?” That's a friendly regard. When my spouse and I were first dating, I happened to make some passing comment in an insignificant conversation, about how I lusted after KitchenAid stand mixers. You know the fancy countertop mixers that you can make anything in, from fancy pastries, to pasta and even ice cream with their attachments? They come in all kinds of really fun colors, they’re built like a tank (and as heavy as one too), with a big metal mixing bowl in its profile, and a design that hasn’t really changed since the 50s? Well, for Christmas that year, my spouse (who was then my boyfriend) remembered this passing comment I made from months before, and surprised me with a KitchenAid countertop mixer! It was an incredibly thoughtful - and expensive splurgy - gift. It was a caring action, and it made me feel noticed, recognized and important enough to pay attention to. Though the examples that I’ve given so far: food preferences, tulips, ktichenaid mixer-are all true examples, but they’re all examples of needs and interests that are not heavy duty, if you will. Have you ever had someone take notice of the emotional pain that you describe in your past experiences, remember it, and then take that into account in future interactions with you? This could look as simple as, “hey I know that you’ve said you feel left out of social events, so even though i sent you an email invite, I wanted to reach out directly and let you know that I’d really love it if you could come to the shindig!” Or if someone realizes that they might have hurt you, they might say, “hey, i remember you saying that you’ve had a recent experience with disappointment, and that’s a tender spot for you. I’m concerned that my doing x, y, or z could have left you with a similar feeling. I don’t want you to be left feeling that way, so I’m wondering if I can check in with you about that?” Those are both examples of someone taking notice of your emotional needs, and then connecting with you directly about them. Those can be examples of friendly regard. Especially since in those last two examples, it can be SO easy for someone to say something like, “But I did invite you. You weren’t left out, you were on the invite list.” And then follow that up with an unfriendly judgement like, “Gosh, you’re so sensitive!” Or in the other example, someone could easily say something like, “Look, I didn’t do ANYTHING with the intention of disappointing you, so that’s on you.” In a sense, these two alternative examples are true. That person did technically invite you to their party, or that other person may not have intended to disappoint someone else. But those are NOT friendly interactions. Because friendly regard means taking notice of someone ELSE’s state. Someone ELSE’S needs. Considering someone ELSE’s interests, perspective or experience. Friendship and friendly regard are inherently relational, and what I mean by that is that a friendly approach ALWAYS takes into account the other person….This is an of itself blew my mind when I thought of it this way. But I’d like to add a very important point, being friendly and taking notice of someone else’s experience does NOT mean that you put someone else ABOVE your own needs. Not at all. It means that you take notice of someone else, and then make decisions that take their experience into account, as well as your own. As well as. Both. Together. Concurrent. Neither wins out over the other. Neither is not ignored or disregarded. We’re in this together. This is the spirit of friendly regard. Take care, kind soul.
