That Time I Said No During A Medical Procedure

*** Trigger warning: medical procedure***

Last week I had an MRI. Contrast dye was supposed to be used. 

An MRI with contrast dye can help physicians diagnose certain kinds of conditions.

The last time I had an MRI with contrast, I had an allergic reaction which was scary.

This means that any time I need to receive contrast dye in the future, I need to take medication ahead of time to prevent an allergic reaction, and I also have to be in a hospital where there are teams and protocols in place for responding to emergencies. 

So, last week I had another MRI and contrast dye was supposed to be used.  

I took the preventive medicine and headed over to the hospital.

I was scared.

Intellectually, I knew that I was in good hands.

But my nervous system was terrified.

My nervous system becomes triggered in situations where I feel powerless, especially in situations that involve my body and physical person.  

At this point in my healing, I know for certain that my nervous system:

• WILL become activated during medical procedures, and
• CAN calm itself down if it has what it needs

I have enough tools, techniques and successful experiences to help my nervous system feel calm when I start to feel agitated or nervous. 

This gives me confidence.

Such confidence helps me in many ways, but here are the 2 most significant impacts:

1. I no longer scold myself for becoming dysregulated. Dysregulation is a normal, human response to feeling overwhelming stress.  It actually means that my nervous system is functioning the way it's supposed to! 

2. I now focus on what my unique nervous system needs to feel safe and calm again. Instead of focusing on PREVENTING dysregulation - which is as possible as trying to stop the wind from blowing across the plains - I understand that dysregulation is an indicator that I feel unsafe.  

The opposite of fear is safety. 

So the most efficient and helpful way I can spend my energy during a time of nervous system activation, is to help myself feel safe. 

I know that feeling safe is the only way to resolve and calm an activated nervous system. 

Walking into the hospital, I knew that I was terrified, but I also knew that I had a plan. 

As a native New Yorker, who is also from a very loud and extroverted family environment, I have no problem being loud and assertive. 

Assertive for other people, or general injustice, that is. 

But being assertive for myself has always been extremely challenging.  It was always safer for me to abandon my own needs, because I experienced terrible consequences when I would ask for what I needed.

After lots of healing work, it's much easier for me to advocate for myself, but there are still situations in which that's challenging to do. 

Medical procedures is one of those situations.

So I practiced and rehearsed how I would advocate for myself at the hospital with the MRI team, because I knew that it would be hard for me to find the right words on the fly and in a state of distress. 

I was terrified, but I had a plan. 

Unfortunately, the MRI tech was very dysregulated themselves.   

Not only did this person NOT give me what I needed to feel safe, but they gave me EXTRA nervous energy to process.

Their own. 

As I was getting the first sets of images, I was directing my attention between my bodily experience of fear, and the techniques that best soothe my sense of fear. 

All of a sudden it hit me.

I said to myself clear as day:

"I don't feel safe."

I walked in feeling nervous about the whole procedure - as I always do in medical situations - but as I was there, I developed a feeling of fear about being under the MRI tech's care. 

I knew that there was a chance that I would need special assistance when the contrast dye was injected for the second set of MRI images.

Special assistance from the MRI tech who I did not feel safe with.

This thought overwhelmed me. 

Once I realized that I didn't feel safe in their care, I was actually able to relax. Because in that moment of realization, I felt like I had a choice.

I expected my nervous system to feel scared in the hospital, but I also expected it to calm down if I used calming tools and received what I needed.  

But it didn't.

And that was the red flag which indicated that I wasn't getting what I needed.  That I wasn't in a safe environment with people who made me feel assured that they could easily care for me if I needed it. 

And that's when I was able to make a choice - a choice to stop. 

There was no reason to force my tender nervous system to endure a potentially scary experience in the the care of someone with whom I did not trust. 

In that moment, I gave myself permission to have another go at the contrast - at a later date - if it was still needed. 

I spoke up on behalf of what I needed, even if that meant that the MRI tech was disappointed and confused (which they were), if the physician who ordered the test was disappointed and frustrated (perhaps they will be), and even if my partner was going to be disappointed, angry or think less of me (turns out he doesn't). 

I put my own needs first. 

So when the tech came into the MRI room to inject the contrast dye for the last 2 sets of images,

I calmly said, "No, thank you."

I felt calm and centered. 

I felt clear and focused. 

I did not second-guess myself. 

I felt easily able to calmly stand by this decision when I received pushback from the tech.  

I didn't defend myself, but I also didn't back down. 

As an embodied, trauma informed practitioner, I knew that my nervous system's felt sense of fear stemmed from old experiences of being in harm's way that had NOTHING TO DO with getting an MRI or the MRI tech as a specific person. 

I could easily have FORCED MYSELF to rationalize the fact that I was just remembering a feeling from long ago, that I was in a hospital where there were lots of capable professionals, motivated by their professional benevolence to intervene and help me if I had a dangerous reaction to the contrast dye. 

But I didn't do that.

I didn't force myself, and I didn't allow anyone else to force me either.

I spoke up on behalf of what I needed, despite the possibility of complicated consequences.

But I know that the only reason I was able to advocate for myself within a situation that - for me - was very triggering, was because I was able to plainly and fully feel my felt sense of not being safe. 

I was able to plainly and fully feel the feeling, which is normally overwhelming. 

It's taken me a lot of work to get to a place where I could do this, and within a triggering situation no less!  

Sometimes it feels like the process of healing is so slow, it's reasonable to wonder if there's any movement at all. 

Then there's a surprising moment of sweet success, and the miles you've traveled on the healing path become as clear as a mirror with the fog wiped away.