Making Friendly Space

Transcript from The Felt Sense Podcast, Ep. 2

Hey there! MacPherson here, from It Begins To Move. This is the 2nd in a series of 4 episodes on Befriending Yourself. Today I’ll continue talking about friendliness, and the very important role it serves in healing, feeling calm and regulated. In the last episode on friendly regard, I discussed how the word friend is in part, based on the word regard, which means “to take notice of.”  So, a true friend actively takes notice of your needs, wants and preferences, for the purpose of taking those needs into account when they make decisions in the future. A true friend notices and wants to learn about the unique things that make you, you, because…you’re probably different than they are in some way.

And these differences are wonderful!

Diverse perspectives make the soup have a much richer and complex flavor than it would be, if there was only one flavor note. A richer and more complex flavor makes something so much more interesting and enjoyable to eat, versus something that’s bland or just one note. If all food tasted like, um…Cheerios, eating would be unexciting. I mean, I love Cheerios, but if your eggs and bacon, refreshing and tart summer fruit, peppery steaks, savory vegetable bowls and sweet treats all tasted like bland bran, 3 meals a day of bland bran, it would not be exciting to do the act of eating. 

Diversity makes living much more interesting!  However, interacting with different humans who all have different perspectives, personalities, needs and wants, is also much more complex than interacting with a group of people exactly like you! Even people who share much of your values have perspectives, interests and needs that differ from yours in some ways. So...it’s great to have diversity, even though it also means there’s greater complexity in relating.

And THAT means that more space is needed!

More space to accommodate as many differing viewpoints and needs, as there are people involved.  More space for everyone’s feelings. More space so that no one feels invalidated or forced out of the mix. 

But here’s the tricky part - what happens when two needs or perspectives oppose each other? What happens when your needs and someone else’s needs seem to be at complete odds.  What happens then? 

Well, I wonder if it might be okay to pause for a moment right now, and think about a time in the past when someone else had a belief that seemed to not make room for you.  Let’s say for example, you were really craving Chinese Food.  Maybe you’d been thinking about it all day, or all week. And then you and someone else got together for dinner, were deciding what restaurant to go to, or where to order in from, and you were like “OH! I have the biggest hankering for Chinese food!”  And they were like, “No way, I can’t stand the thought of that right now!  All I want is pizza.” Or maybe you’ve experienced that kind of lack of space during a more serious emotional conversation.   Perhaps you said, “hey, what you just said really hurt my feelings.” To which someone who wasn’t making room for that feeling might have said, “That’s ridiculous!”

They may truly feel that it's ridiculous for anyone to be hurt by what they just said, but the fact is that, in this example, you DO feel hurt.  That’s what you’re really feeling. They might not agree, they might think it’s nonsensical, but that doesn’t change the fact that you feel hurt. And once you tell them that, anything that someone else says in response that has the function of letting you know you shouldn’t feel the way you do, is invalidating.  It’s trying to push your experience outside of the interaction you’re having with this other person, as though their perspective of what’s right and reasonable is the only perspective that flies.  As though it’s the only thing there’s room for, and anything else that is said in that relational environment that is not in alignment with their belief will be picked apart, denied, actively proved wrong.

So, if it feels okay, perhaps recall a time when someone else did not make room for you, your perspective, your beliefs, your needs…What body sensations come forward in response to that? 

Now, if it feels okay, perhaps recall a time when you and someone else had differing needs, and that person said to you something like, “Will you tell me more about what that’s like for you?  I see it differently, but I’d really like to learn what your experience is like.” What body sensations come forward in response to that?

want to say that just because someone doesn't agree with you, doesn’t mean that they can’t make space for your experience too. 

I think that the greatest feat of humanity is for two people with different needs and perspectives to be fully open to the other, curious and respectful and engaging, but without dominating, and also without giving in. Just holding their own, and the others’ differing beliefs, together at the same time.  Making friendly space.

AND THEN….imagine offering your own tender, sweet heart some friendly space. 

Imagine what it would be like for the parts of you that may actually feel hurt, that feel angry, that feel sad and disappointed, that feel afraid, to not be pushed down or pushed away by other parts of you, that just want you to get over it already!  It’s so common to feel big feelings that we, our culture, or other people around us, think we shouldn’t be feeling. 

Or shouldn't be feeling so deeply.

Or shouldn’t be feeling for as long as we do. 

But here’s the thing.  Our emotions are real, and they indicate that we’re having an experience that’s important.  What would it be like for those parts of yourself, the actual emotions you were experiencing, to be treated with friendly regard - as I talked about in the previous episode - and given as much friendly space as they need, as I’ve talked about in this episode?  What would the experience of that be like? 

In the next episode, I’ll talk more about exactly this concept: what happens when you experience friendliness, but particularly during a time when you’re struggling, or in the midst of emotional pain.

Take care, kind soul!